the Gay Lady's daughter

A few weeks ago, I was riding in my car listening to the radio, when the on-air personality asked listeners to call in regarding the question of the day, "Are your kids okay with you being in a gay relationship." Intrigued, but not willing to engage in the discussion, I kept my ear to the speaker and waited for the callers to dial in. Ironically, all the callers were female, and either spoke highly of their child's' acceptance of their lifestyle or their naivety of it.

Although these mothers sounded as if they had a handle on their lifestyle, I wondered how their children actually felt about the situation. Using my childhood as a reference point, I came to two conclusions regarding the question of the day and the responses to it: either their children were using their mother's gay lifestyle as an opportunity to understand women better, or they were trapped in a world they had no control over.

Growing up in a bi-sexual household was extremely difficult for my sister and me. We both loved our mother dearly but hated that, on occasion, she had a desire to love women. I was 11 years old and my sister 14 when she came out to us. For reasons unknown to me, my sister chose to accept the lifestyle, not asking questions and simply going with the flow of a woman sleeping in the same bed as our mother. My reaction was quite the contrary. I cried and screamed, "How could you do this to me? Not my mother not my mother," leaving her no choice but to alter her lifestyle in my presence. There was no handholding, kissing, long looks or comments of loving a woman when I was within earshot or eyesight. No, she saved those gestures for my sister. It is in my opinion that because of our initial reactions and the subsequent actions of my mother, although we shared the same room, my sister and I grew up in separate households. I rebelled against the idea of sharing my mother with a woman, and my sister gave up all rights to her.

You see, in 1981 it was uncommon for your mother to be gay or in our case, bi-sexual. When the news hit our small community (consisting of a housing complex in Delran, NJ), it affected our peer relationships. Parents were skeptical about letting their children play with the "gay lady's kids." To make matters worse, because we lived in a first floor apartment, bolder children (mainly boys) would spy through our windows hoping to catch a glance of the "gay lady" doing "gay things". It was a nightmare and ultimately, my mother's sexuality altered my treatment of other women and my self-concept. I did not have many female friends and as I grew older became promiscuous so that others would not think I was gay.

As I stumbled through my teenage years, struggling to find a happy medium in my relationship with my mother, I started to reconsider our circumstances. I did not want to one-day wake up as "the adult" who resented their childhood. Therefore, I chose to make a conscious decision to change my outlook on gay relationships. I no longer rebelled against the idea of sharing my mother with another woman, but instead chose to learn from the intricacies or complexities of female-to-female dynamics.

With my mother as the teacher, and I the student, class with her was an amazing experience. As the years progressed, she allowed me to see, with the right tools, how easy it can be to form and maintain positive female-to-female relationships whether they were platonic or sexual in nature. I will admit it was not an easy experience learning to accept my mother's lifestyle, but I must say it added a component to my life that was/is unique and well defined. At times, I feel like I have an edge on society. I'm able to engage in discussions "straight" people are afraid to or lack knowledge of. My mothers' bi-sexuality also enabled me to be freer in my own sexual exploration.

As I reflect on my childhood, I am well aware that times sure have changed since the early '80s. Folks no longer have to be "in the closet" and labels such as "the gay lady" do not carry as much weight as it once did when I was growing up. There are now sexually oriented centers, schools and organizations one can be a part of, if they are gay or bi. You can even hear homo and bi-sexual issues discussed on-air, during rush hour traffic.

Although I am amazed at the progress society has made in its acceptance of homosexuality, I'm not naive. I do know there is still a community of men and women who are not "out". There is also a strong "down low" presence of men and women. I also know there is no real easy way to discuss any form of "sexuality" with your children. It is my hope, however, those women who called into the radio station are having open discussions with their children to minimize the guilt (that still may exist) associated with having a gay parent, and not just assuming their child is "cool with it" or worse "unaware" of their lifestyle. Take it from the "gay lady's daughter", kids are smarter than you think, have stronger opinions than you can ever imagine, may make a fuss, but will love you regardless and thank you for letting them "in" on a world that has great rewards if you are "out."